


always been me, empty, a body

by peach_scones



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, References to Drugs, Scars, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, toxic environment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:13:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23762122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peach_scones/pseuds/peach_scones
Summary: “Do you know what weak men do?” “What, papa?” “They cry.”Kaito grew up with no space to breathe.
Relationships: Harukawa Maki & Momota Kaito & Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	always been me, empty, a body

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, there was no sad kaito fics that didn't have to do with a relationship so I decided to write this. I'm not quite the best at writing Kaito because I've done it before and hated it. I hope I can capture what I think Kaito would be like in this. More kinda venty, if it's not venty then i don't know what to do with a fic lol ψ(｀∇´)ψ 
> 
> tw for suicidal thoughts and implied self harm, not that heavy but still

My parents aren’t responsible. They never were. At age 12 they took me away from my parents and kept me in some office for a few days. They asked me stupid questions like “Did your parents hurt you?” “Since when was the last time you ate?” “Have they made you do something you didn’t want to?” I gave them short answers. “No.” “Yesterday.” “No.” 

I was small. You could wrap your whole hand around my wrist, that’s what made it easy for them to pull me away from everyone. I had a fear of being alone. So when I got the chance to sit by the window I’d open it and peek my head through it. The stars felt like people, I wasn’t that scared anymore. 

“I don’t know them.” I sat in an uncomfortable chair that was supposed to sink when someone sat on it. I barely made a dent in it. “You’ve never met them?” I shook my head. “I only know my mom and dad. I don’t know why I’m still here.” I picked at a piece of string coming off of the seam of my sleeve. “They’re your grandparents. Your mother’s parents.” I shrugged. “Yeah, well I don’t know these people. Why can’t I go home?” The old lady across from me, nana, sat with her hands in her lap. The man next to her sat with his hands at his side. “Your parents can’t take care of you properly. If you decide not to go with them, we’ll find you a new place to live.” I don’t know why it made me so mad. I never liked my parents anyway. But it’s not like I knew of anything else. “No! I’m not living with these- People! I don’t even know them!” The lady kept her soft voice. She’d yell at me when I yelled. “Why don’t you get to know them?” I shrugged. Nana and Papa talked to me like a man. Not like a little boy who couldn’t control his temper. Papa asked if I had any friends I’d like to talk about and I talked about the stars. Papa kept talking about the stars and constellations. I liked papa. A week after that, I went to visit them. They told me they’d set up a room for me in the hopes that I’d actually move in with them. They opened a room, the bed was tucked in the corner and there were posters and bookshelves along the walls. There were planets and glowing stars on the ceiling. 

I moved in. Papa and Nana were nicer than my parents. I stopped getting home-schooled and they enrolled me into real school. I thought nobody would like me but I talked to everyone and they all liked me. There was only one person who didn’t like me. They said they didn’t like me because I lost my temper way too quickly, because I was annoying and I’d never leave anyone alone. A month before High School began, I grew. I grew too tall. None of my house clothes fit me. Nana and Papa wasted money on new clothes for me. They hated me even more. They said the way I looked was stupid, and nobody would like me because I was bigger than all the other boys. 

The person hated me so much that they told me it would be better if Nana and Papa didn’t have to take care of me. They told me that maybe it was better if I had stayed with my parents, and they’d leave me to starve. So I would die. Hungry and alone. Their words followed me home and at night they crawled under my skin. Eventually the words under my skin began to bubble in different places. I popped them with the thing that kept all my pencils nice and sharp. The words flooded out onto the floor, in big, fat puddles. The next day they came back, with a vengeance. They crawled their way into my head and had fun bouncing around all day. The words came out of my head, through my eyes. 

Papa walked in. “Kaito.” I sat on my bed, the words leaking from my skull. “Kaito. Look at me.” I looked up at him. The words ugly on my face. “Do you know what weak men do?” I wiped my tears. “What, Papa?” “They cry.” I sat there. He asked me why I was crying. I couldn’t tell him I hated myself. I could not tell papa that I looked in the mirror every single day and _hated_ the person who stood on the other side. He wouldn’t understand. I told him I was mad. I was mad because someone picked on me for not having real parents. “You take that anger and you keep it inside. And then? And then the next time those people bother you, you let it out.” 

Letting out my anger on people is something my dad and papa taught me. I got mad at people, they got mad at me. I’d come home with cuts on my face. Most of the time I’d win though. I was stronger than them. I looked in the mirror with my shirt off. I was so much stronger than them.

I took something that made my head feel lighter. My body felt calmer. I didn’t hear the words anymore, even when they were screaming. 

It disgusted me. I didn’t want to be this powerful. Instead of fighting people and numbing my feelings, I got to studying about stars and the moon, space, the milky way. I learned every constellation. I got into a school where only the best of the best go. The day before leaving my grandparents house, I carved a constellation into my arm with shaky, thin lines.

* * *

And then I woke up in a locker. 

“I’m not going to fight you! You’re a girl!” she crossed her arms. “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I can’t fight.” Shuichi shrugged, “She  _ is  _ the ultimate assassin, Momota. I think if anyone can fight, it’s her.” She glared up at me. “I’m going to hurt you.” she scoffed “You’re scared.” I stepped back, “I’m not! Harumaki, I’m not going to-” She pushed me. “Don’t call me that! Do you want to die? Fight me! If you want me to fight against myself, you have to fight with me first. I’ll never speak to you again.” I gulped, honestly, I  _ was  _ a tiny bit scared. I want to help her. She’ll keep being this way and it will be my fault. “Fine-” She punched me in the stomach. We kept fighting and she didn’t seem tired. She was totally focused. I felt the eyes of other people on me. Everyone else was watching us. Everything went blank and I heard papa. “You take that anger and you keep it inside. And then? And then the next time those people bother you, you let it out.” 

I flipped Maki over and slammed her onto the grass. I knocked the wind out of her, she gasped loudly and Tsumugi shrieked. Gonta said “Gentlemen do not hurt girls! Momota is not a gentleman!” I stared at Maki on the ground, my chest was heaving. Shuichi was helping Maki sit up. She started laughing. Kokichi gasped loudly, “Huuuuh?! Oh!! Oh! Harukawa is laughing, oh my god, this is so rare!” Maki kept laughing. Shuichi looked up at me. “Kaito?” There were tears streaming down my face. My legs dragged me away, far away from them. I ran to my room and locked the door. I am so sick of this. I am so sick of my body. I am so sick of Kaito Momota. I am so sick of it. I am so sick that I begin to spit up blood. 

I am so sick of Kaito Momota. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Haha this spiraled out of what I intended it to be but nonetheless I like it, I hope you all do too! I may try to participate in a momoharu week during may too! So maybe?? look out for that? If you know where the title comes from I ADORE you and I need you to contact me immediately `(*>﹏<*)′ Thanks for reading! <3


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